AFRICAN AMERICAN DAD

We’re back from Disney, the new job starts tomorrow, and yesterday I got a chance to see the documentary that I’m appearing in this Fall. What’s more, my first non-fiction fatherhood story will be published soon as part of a collection in an upcoming book (I got the check for the article a few weeks ago so I guess it’s legit!), and my own book is still a lingering possibility, so to say I’m a little busy is an understatement. (Still it’s no excuse for not stopping by the blogs of my blog family so I’ll be doing that this week.)

Of course I have to talk about the trip a little bit. Disney is a trip that everyone should do once, and perhaps only once depending upon your tolerance for certain things. For example, the rides were fun and exciting but the lines are crazy, the heat serious, and the food fattening. I lived in Florida for a time so the heat was no surprise, the lines are legendary at Disney so I expected that too (Fast Pass is a definite sanity-saver), and overindulging in food is a big part of what vacationing is about. So if you can deal in those things, go forth and enjoy. I still think I prefer a beach vacation though.

Dev was ok for about fifty percent of the time. We give him a pass mainly because as one guide book puts it “Disney is an assault on all the senses” and that may be why he was a little off. Plus he was freaked out half the time. He did not like the 3-D stuff one bit. The faking of mice running off a 3-D screen or getting sprayed with spinkles of water by a movie were too much for the kid. He also completely flipped out on Stitch’s Great Escape, which a friend of mine warned me not to take the kid on. I ignored her because I’m a Stitch fan, but boy was that show creepy. He also didn’t love the Haunted Mansion, and thought we were going to get shot on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and was bored to tears by the safari. Dev, however, loved the roller coasters we went on, he was pleasantly thrilled by Test Track, and Soarin’ and he thoroughly enjoyed the meet and greets (especially the Power Rangers). All in all I give the trip a thumbs up, though the Disney reverence of the Old South still freaks me out more than any of the rides…

On to the documentary: The documentary is good. Very good, actually. I do, however, believe that HD means “hot doo-doo” because I look really bad in high definition. Anyway, the film has a good mixture of humor and relevant info and it should help a lot of dads get through the early days of fatherhood. I’ll keep you all posted…

Fianally, I wanted to thank all of you that have sent your well-wishes for the new gig. I’m looking forward to the adventure! 

In my last post I mentioned a bit of a life change on the horizon. But I suppose transition is a more accurate word for it. Today was my last day of work after over four years at one of the best non-profit organizations in NYC, and perhaps the country. I didn’t go into leaving said company lightly either, not in the least. I consulted with friends, mentors, the wife and others. I did the math. And when it was all said and done I followed my gut. The result is that I’m joining the charter school movement in a school that will open it’s doors for the first time this Fall.

I had been kind of watching the movement since I did a paper on charter schools years ago in college when the idea was still novel. At the time the students in my Urban Studies major predicted substantial growth in the model, which is exactly what has happened. These days the success stories are too numerous to count (of course some schools have failed but that number is dwarfed by the thriving schools).

The main goal of Charters is not to replace traditional public educations - they are public schools after all - but to give education options to parents that don’t usually have the financial resources to seek out alternatives to their zoned schools. I learned this first hand when my wife and I applied to four charters for the Dev’s kindergarten. The demand for seats in these schools were so high that we were wait-listed in every one, in some instances as far down the list as 300-something (lucky for us he got into a school that we loved).

My point is that I think this is a good move for me, I’m just nervous. I always strive for excellence in whatever I do and for me anything less is not an option. Or at least not the first option. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a perfectionist. People who look for perfection often find themselves wallowing disappointment while the next challenge is being neglected. I’m simply a realist who sets the bar high for himself. I may complain about something not working out, but I’m always on to the next thing and learning from the last thing. I’m just hoping my theories translate to the new gig.

Life is all about new beginnings and sad endings. I’m going to miss my colleagues and friends more than they’d believe. Their support and well wishes have sustained me. Now, for better or for worst, it’s time to take the next step in my career. However, before I take the plunge I’m taking a few days in Disney World with the family. Yep, next week you can find me baking under the Florida sun in the happiest darn place on earth. Who needs a relaxing vacation when you can ride Space frickin’ Mountain and plummet 14 stories to your doom in the Tower of Terror? Not me.

I’ll be easy to spot amongst the writhing masses: I’ll be the dad with the Dev and the nervous smile (but not because I’m getting on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad).

For the last few weeks Dev has been toying with what he calls a French accent. It’s actually very funny coming from a five year old. When in accent mode he refers to this blog as “Afreeekin Amereeekin Dad,” and he rolls the r’s. He says things like “Vhat vas that?” and “Vhat eees theees?” I’m not sure if his accent is French, but it is definitely not New York. I hear he’s also been perfecting his English brogue. If he can pull that off I’m putting him in movies. He seems to do most of his comedy, including his accents, because he thinks its funny. I think his mother and I being amused is just icing on the cake - he would do his thing no matter what we thought. He’s his own person, no one can deny that.

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Yesterday as I walked into the house Dev told me that he was changing his name. He did the same thing around this time last year so I was prepared to be given a literal name like “student” or “comedian.” But a year later he has gone with a much cooler new name than his last: Venom. Apparently as of late he has gleaned lots of inspiration from Spider Man and his evil alien alter-ego. As his teeth grow in, his mouth reminds me a little of Venom though that’s about it. I should probably be thankful that that is where his similarities to the comic book villain (who is now his namesake) end.

BTW - I’m in the midst of a pretty major personal life change so I am a bit on the anxious side and unable to focus on things unrelated to that, but I’m trying. I’m also working on getting a new theme up so if you stop by and the site is down or a random homepage is up that’s just me working out the kinks. Someone smarter than me suggested I set up a test site. While I think its a good idea, I have opted to be more public in my experiments (read: lazy). I’ll keep you posted on both.  

In honor of the Dev and I being in Time magazine last year my wife purchased a subscription for me as a gift. Now I spend a couple off days a week reading the articles on the subway as I commute. I read from cover to cover and I am consistently entertained and informed. Every so often an article is published that I want to mention on this blog, then life gets in the way and I don’t. I read one today, however, that made me actually commit to a gentle critique. The John Cloud piece  that got me going is about drinking alcohol with your kids.

When I was much younger I would make jokes about how I was going to teach my kids to make me martinis and other beverages like I had seen in a movie. Years later my thinking on having ‘kids’ has shifted to having kid and I can imagine him with a cocktail shaker in his hands considerably less than I can imagine him driving my car. Then I try to picture my little doppelganger as a teenager and him and I sharing a bottle of pinot noir. I must admit I get a little nauseous by the image. I just can’t see it happening. But what Cloud is arguing is that maybe it should happen because it’s a better option than the binge drinking that teens find themselves partaking in at small unsupervised social gatherings. And be clear, he is not talking about supplying vodka for your child’s sweet 16, but rather a glass of wine with dinner on occasion.

I had a beer with my own father when I was about 20. That was fine and harmless. He had given me a sip of one of his beers when I was about Dev’s age and I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever. He knew I would, and it stuck in my mind for years to come. Family members would drink beer and I would be appalled - at least until I got to high school. Let’s just say that the teenage years are impressionable, which we can all agree on I’m sure, and I question if drinking with mom would have helped me make better decisions. I didn’t start getting carded until I became legal so that definitely didn’t help.

I do wonder if Dev will come home one young day with whiskey on his breath and a sway in his step. I wonder if I’ll have to be pulled off of him, or if I’ll wait until the effects fade and then go at him with platitudes that make no dent in his teenage hide. It may not happen at all - some kids do not experiment no matter what. That said, is it a good idea for parents to get the experiment started in an effort to control a situation that may or may not become a situation? Or is this a good idea that can teach moderation to curious little drunks? 

This is difficult for me to say. You know I try to keep it real with the readers so I feel compelled to share this piece of personal information: My son can sing Usher’s Love in This Club Part II and (this is a darn shame) Plies’ Bust it Baby Part II featuring Ne-yo from beginning to end.

I don’t know what happened that we got to this point. OK, I kind of do. At some point we started listening to Hip-Hop radio again, just to see what was new, and we didn’t turn it off. Our casual foray back into popular rap and R & B was supposed to be a momentary shift in gears, a reprieve from the other crap we started listening to. But we obviously loitered in the urban areas of the radio dial for too long.

We were really well behaved for some time - whatever that means. The local lite station was oh so our thing - I’m talkin’ lots of John frickin’ Mayer here (not to say his lyrics are so harmless because he has his moments as does Mr. Dave “Crash Into Me” Matthews, et al.). I’m not convinced there is a way to get away from suggestive music. It seems like there is music for the nursery set and for the teenie bopper set, but not for the in betweens, especially boys.

The reality is that Dev can sing certain songs but he has no clue what the lyrics mean, and he has no point of reference to ask questions, yet. At this point we’re testing out a dance station but they remix all the pop music out there so it may not last long. I’m tempted to dust off my Nas, Jay Z, Biggie, Wu Tang and other discs and throw caution to the wind. But that wouldn’t be right. Right? 

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A Tidbit:

This morning I was in the shower, soap in my eyes, when Dev knocked on the door…

“Daddy!”

“Whaaat?”

“It’s not ‘what’ it’s yes. Now let’s try this again. Daddy!”

“Yes Dev.”

“You’re in the shower.”

For goodness sake. 

Juneteenth, which is June 19th every year, is an African American day of celebration that’s gaining more and more recognition, observance, and influence throughout the United States. You may wonder what it is. I’m glad you asked. On this day in 1865 the slaves of Galveston Texas received word of the Emancipation Proclamation. Yes, that is more than two years after it was issued! This makes that day the actual end of slavery in North America. It’s crazy to think that slave owners were able to keep such remarkable news from their slaves, but not all that surprising considering the time and the high stakes.

Fast forward 143 years and a black man is preparing to become the next president of the United States. Had you told the slaves who were freed in Texas that such a thing could be possible I am certain they would not have believed you. They may have even laughed at you. A lot of history has been made in the years between Juneteenth and today, and even more will be made between today and when Obama takes his post in January 2009.

In our home we celebrate and commemorate Juneteenth simply by discussing slavery in simple terms with our son and sitting down to a nice meal. It’s important to have this discussion with children from young because slavery and other elements of black history should not be solely relegated to February.

Enjoy the day and remember: This isn’t just black history, it’s American history. We must acknowledge the past if we are to have any kind of future!

Today I asked my grandmother if she has ever sent a Father’s Day card to my dad. Her response was “Why? He’s not my daddy.” I thought about that while I laughed at my no holds barred granny. Every year since I have become daddy my mother-in-law has sent me a card and I like getting it. She stands out because no one else has ever consistently given me one other than my wife and my son. I told my mother that I didn’t recieve her card today so I’ll probably get it Monday. To that she said, “You crack yourself up don’t cha?” On Mother’s Day we send out cards like we work in the promotions department of Hallmark - grandmothers, aunts, mothers, in-laws all get from Dev or from the wife and I. (Not that I’m keeping score.)

My question is: Do you give cards to most of the fathers you know, or just your dad (and husband if you got one)?

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the dads that put in the time and love it!

And a special Happy Father’s Day to Tim Russert, a dad who held fatherhood and all good fathers in high esteem.

“Come in the name of love.” When I first heard those U2 lyrics I was very young. I knew the song was catchy, but that was about it. It would be years later that I would discover what the song was about, or more accurately who the song was about. It’s no secret that Dr. King is my biggest hero. I have to stop every time I hear his voice and I stare when I see his image. Many of his words are not new to me, yet they feel new whenever I hear them. That’s why when someone (I really should get better with names) contacted me and said that they wanted to send a copy of the History Channel’s King I couldn’t pass it up. Plus I don’t have cable so DVDs are always welcome.

After ninety minutes of being reminded how far black people have come, and the country for that matter, I also realized something that I had never thought too deeply about: Dr. King was a father. Sure we think of him as the father of the Civil Right Movement, but the guy was also a dad. Can you imagine being in school as a child and a teacher asking you “What does your daddy do for a living?” and you responding “Um, well he’s the moral conscience of the United States of America.” As we get closer to Fathers Day it just seemed right to share the most important thing that King’s son recalled about him: he remembered feeling loved.

The reality is that most of us have crazy jobs, busy lives and tons of obligations. Even our stay-at-home daddy crew busts their butts to raise their children full time. But when I think about a man, a dad, that was assassinated while fighting for the rights of millions and speaking out against an unpopular war, and how he still had time to make his children feel loved I pause. I pause because a man with so few precious moments with his kids prioritized loving them, and making them feel it above all else, while he committed to making the world a better place. And it may be that “simple.” If when you are disciplining your kid, playing with your kid, dropping your kid off at the big school, away on business, or when you truly are too busy to talk - if after all that and more your kids still feels loved you may be doing something right.

The key is loving them when they are not so cute and cuddly… Like when they’re teens. My teenage years aren’t too far behind me so I remember them with well. I wasn’t 100% sure then if my dad gave a crap about me (I know now that he did) and that uncertainty may have been harder to handle if not for my extended family, and my grandma and mother. I also remember the year when I smoked a couple of cigarettes a day (I was 16 and I was lucky to quit cold turkey) and those nights when I purposefully ignored curfew. I remember my racing hormones and my first kiss (the girl almost ate my face - there were teeth involved - but thinking back it may have been my fault given that I couldn’t keep up). My point is that if you c can love them through that nonsense too, then you are a pretty good dad. But not better than Dr. King. *smile*

Earlier this week the wife and I took our little dude to orientation at the school he’ll be attending this fall. Actually, it wasn’t as much an orientation as it was a play date for kids who didn’t know each other. What the schoool did was place about five new kids, Dev included, into a class with existing students simply to hang out. The parents sat in tiny chairs around the perimeter of the classroom watching and hoping our kids wouldn’t embarrass us. Luckily they didn’t. They played like they knew each other. It was lik an episode of Cheers, minus all the booze. Then again, they were so polite and friendly perhaps they were playing like they didn’t know each other. Maybe it was more like The Real World and once they’re all used to one another in September they’ll start talking about each others mommas wearing combat boots.

The visit was reassuring to say the least. It reminded us why we initially liked the school so much in the first place. We sat in the kid-sized chairs and felt lucky; like we may have actually gotten it right. That’s not a feeling parents get often. Personally I’m more used to second-guessing every move we make and crossing fingers. My fingers are crossed so much that some people think I have talons where my hands should be.

As enjoyable as the morning orientation was, the fun really began after: I took the Dev to work with me. A year ago I would have never thought about doing such a thing. My family is still reminding me what the kid was like last summer, and the year before that, and I cringe. These days, however, I just want to show him off and hang out with him. It was an ego boost to see how Dev was all too happy to part ways with mommy, hop on the #6 and tag along with me to my office. It was too fun having him around all day and watching him interact with my colleagues. His charm was on full display, as was my pride. A colleague of mine said “I see why you’re so in love with him, he’s so great!” That is a powerful statement for fledgling father to hear. The whole growing thing still amazes me.

Five years old is such a great age. I just want to do new things with the boy and show him as much of the world as possible. The problem is that time is no friend of mine - the weekends are to short and the work days are too long. Still, it’s no excuse for not seizing every opportunity to do something and making opportunities whenever I can.

Most of you know that I’ve been married five or six years, but that is not what I’m celebrating. Today I celebrate being a daddy blogger for two whole years. In blog years that’s like, forever, dude. I’ve known many of you for the full two years and some of you are newer, but I got nothin’ but love for all of you readers. I don’t get a million hits a day like Perez Hilton or have multimillion dollar advertising contracts, but I do get tens of thousands of hits a month and, well, no monetary compensation, but lots of good vibes.

It still amazes me, as I read other blogs and about the family lives of some of my blog brethren, how people miss the boat on good web content. Too many people would rather read about someone’s new nose, or what someone wore to a party, or the latest DUI charge of a c-list celebrity. Seriously, who cares about that when the Holmes just bought a new house, or when Liz is writing about living life, or Darius is on a mission of self discovery? Not me. But then again I’m a blogger of the daddy kind, so I get it. The world is so much bigger and more interesting than Lindsay Lohan’s affairs, and Will Smith’s alleged ties to Scientology. Personally I prefer a dose of Jameil, Whit, Literal Dan, Nerd Girl, my homie from high school Dee, Mitch, DJ Black Adam, The Blogfathers, Matthew and his twins, Lori, and all the others who live and love life without an entourage and a crew of paparazzi.

Now that I’m rolling into my terrible twos expect me to be surly and unruly. I will climb on things and test your patience. I will try out curse words to see how they fit. I will pull things out of cabinets and poop on stuff that you like. I will then smile adorably and make you forget what I did to your vintage Whodini record. Or not because some kids are sweet even in their terrible twos. My guess is that you’ll pretty much get what you’ve been getting until I’m done. The end may be sooner than you think as I plan my exit like Lost, but until then I’ll the same black father I’ve always been - trying to dispel myths, challenge stereotypes, give a different perspective, and connect with people I never would have without this platform.

My best to all of you bloggers, readers and lurkers! Shout out to Malecare, Inc. And as always I have to say thank you to the Dev for allowing me to be his dad (not that he had a choice), and the wife for 100% supporting all of my efforts both big and small.

It’s two years, 232 posts, and counting for the African American Dad/FatherDad blog!